your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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