Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
