I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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