I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
