Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
