My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
