When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I think my moral compass just broke
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
