Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
