his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
organizing the empties. That sober.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
