if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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