**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
