life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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