She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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