She is in my trunk
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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