He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
