I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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