do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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