my soul wont recognize me after tonight
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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