when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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