In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
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bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
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You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry