so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.