I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.