We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
