So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
