whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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