I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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