you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
