So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i dont even know how to be here
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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