Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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