Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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