shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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