On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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