I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
