I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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