her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
