And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
it glows. i had to have it.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
