Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
