pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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