in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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