dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
