I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
