just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
