the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
