he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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