I wish my penis had an off switch
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
