yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
