i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
