I am puke
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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