I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I am midnight drunk by noon
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
