and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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