No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
