2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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