hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
