you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
