just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
