part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
