oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Green mimosas i think yes
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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