She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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