That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
