I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
